


Candle in the Window

by starboydjh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Professors, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Harvard University, M/M, Slow Burn, Vegan Dan Howell, because i don't have the attention span to write a full slow burn, but like not really, dan is a vegan because god bless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21890029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starboydjh/pseuds/starboydjh
Summary: Veritas (noun): Verity or truth. Harvard University's motto since 1836.Taking a job across the ocean away from his family, Phil Lester, a quirky literature professor, never really felt at home in the storied halls of Harvard University or the historic streets of Cambridge, Massachusetts. He meets another out of place professor of Philosophy at Harvard named Daniel Howell on a blind date set up by their coworker, and takes a newfound interest in Doctor Howell’s courses after their date.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 35





	1. Beautiful Soul

**Author's Note:**

> to k, tara, lou, mikey, cal, and everyone else in the discord server - you all have been bigger champions than me for this idea and i cannot thank you guys enough for helping me with this fic and being my personal cheering squad for it.
> 
> yes the title of this is from an REO Speedwagon song let the roast commence
> 
> this is my first fic with rolling updates, so updates will hopefully be on Saturdays, subscribe if you want to be notified when i update!

Phil shut the door to his flat near campus quietly, hoping to himself that one of his students wouldn’t see him walking down the street with a basket full of dirty clothes in his hands. It was midnight on a Sunday, so hopefully, everyone was inside studying, sleeping, or getting up to other activities Phil didn’t have the energy to think about right then. He’d just figured out that he had no clean clothes left and tomorrow was a big lecture day, so he needed to get this done _right now_. 

By the time he got down the second flight of stairs, Phil assumed he was home free until he heard a door shut in front of him and he blanched where he stood. He knew that a couple of his students lived close to him after adverse encounters with them as his Uber drivers or seeing them waiting at the same T stop as him, but he prayed that none of them lived in his building. It felt like hours before a young blonde girl shut the door and turned to lock it, only to glance up and see her Literature professor with two master’s and a doctorate who was tenured at Harvard standing in the staircase of their building with a basket of dirty laundry and Star Wars pajamas on. 

“Oh! Hi Anna, I didn’t know you lived in this building.” Phil said in as chipper of a tone as he could manage. 

“I didn’t know you lived here either, Doctor Lester. Have to say, I did peg you for a Star Wars fan, though.”

That’s it, he needed to move immediately. 

Phil laughed awkwardly and motioned to the laundry that he was holding. “Well, I better get going, big day tomorrow. It’s the first day of the semester, busy busy busy,” he said, his words tumbling out of his mouth in an awkward mess that would be embarrassing if he had the ability to think of anything other than abort mission at that moment. 

When he walked down the street to the laundromat he considered if the hassle of breaking the lease on his apartment would be worth it to not see his students outside of campus anymore. The laundromat was only a block or so away from his place, and when he got there he was glad to see that no one was inside. He didn’t think he could handle any more human interaction than he’d endured already. The bitter Boston cold didn’t help at all, the January night air swirling around him and cutting through his thin hoodie. 

The laundromat felt morbid and sad at this time of night as if it was asking him ‘what sucker does their laundry at quarter to one in the morning?’ Phil did, that’s who. 

He jammed his work shirts into the machine and pondered the distinctly American idea of a lot of the things he did on a daily basis now, and how his brother would be horrified when he came back home at how easily he’d melted into what little culture they did have. 

His heart hurt slightly at the fact that he hadn’t gone home for Christmas this year, and that he’d spent it alone again for the second year in a row. He’d Facetimed his brother and called his parents, but that didn’t feel like enough. Nothing ever would he supposed, but for the time being, that would have to do. His birthday at the end of the month would be more of the same, alone in his apartment watching old episodes of Doctor Who and drinking an entire bottle of wine by himself, but no one needed to know really what a lonely sap he’d become. Maybe he could get Jenna and Julien to come over and bring their dogs, or he could rope PJ into coming from Ithaca and drinking with him, even if that was a bit of a drive just for a night of yelling about Doctor Who. 

For a few minutes as the machine turned, Phil lost himself in his tattered copy of Pet Sematary, until the bell over the door rang and someone else walked into the aging laundromat. Good, so he wasn’t the only sucker of the night, Phil thought as he went back to his book. Something out of the corner caught his eyes, and he glanced up at whatever it was to see a Harvard lanyard around the stranger’s neck. It wouldn’t be too out of the question, he did live super close to his place of work, after all. The stranger was an attractive guy, with curly dark brown hair and eyes that matched and a black pair of sweatpants he saw people wearing around campus when it got cold, with “JUICY” in sparkles across the butt. That was another American thing he never understood, and a few girls in some of his classes had told him it was a brand, but even still Phil wasn’t really sure how he felt about them. 

Phil remembered his mum’s scolding that it was impolite to stare from when he was a child and went back to his book until the washing machine dinged for him to change the load, the stranger on the other side of the room put out of his mind. 

After he was done with everything, the walk back to his flat felt even colder than it was earlier in the night. It was now past two, and he was exhausted. He really was getting too old to be staying up past his set bedtime of 11:30, but desperate times called for desperate measures. 

The next morning felt like it came all too quickly, and Phil considered just not waking up and staying home for the day. It was the first day of the semester though, and obviously, he needed to be in class for the first day. His first class was at 10:45 and he only lived a few minutes away, and luckily a T stop was barely a minute’s walk away from his flat. Of course, the train was late yet again, so Phil found a spot on the bench and dove back into Pet Sematary again like he did the night before at the laundromat. He zoned out the music he was listening to and lightly dragged his pointer finger down the page as he read, flipping the page after a while to the next one. Someone tapping him on the shoulder startled him out of his trance. “Are you actually reading that fast? Or are you just trying to show off?” The woman next to him asked. 

Phil was confused. “Yeah? I can read at a thousand words a minute.” 

The woman laughed a little. “What? That’s insane. Are you telling the truth?” Phil could feel his cheeks heating up as he nodded slightly. She looked a little frazzled at that and just sort of went back to her phone, blessedly leaving him alone for the rest of the wait for the train to arrive. When it got there, Phil stood up and gently pushed his way to the front, holding onto the handrail and continuing to read his book until the train operator announced that they were arriving at the Harvard Square stop.

He wasn’t sure why he thought that the campus would’ve changed too much when they were on holiday break but he was surprised to see that everything was more or less the same, just with more snow this time. Harvard was probably the closest he’d ever get to Hogwarts, and the show coating the ground just increased the Harry Potter vibes he got from the older buildings on campus. 

The only bad thing about the campus though, was that the humanities building was clear on the other side of the campus from the T stop, but the walk was good for him. At least, that’s what his mum had told him to think. Right now though, the cold seeping into his bones was outweighing the thought of the exercise he was getting as he pulled the sleeves of his jacket further down onto his hands to keep them for freezing off. 

Phil felt like he was thawing out slightly as he walked into the building, greeting the secretary at the front of the professors’ offices on the third floor and digging around in his backpack for his keys. He needed to get a lanyard or something to keep track of them, but the Overlook Hotel keychain he had now did the job well enough, he supposed. He’d always thought that the humanities building did have a slight Shining vibe to it. 

After he got settled in catching up on emails and news updates, Jenna throwing the door to Phil’s office open made him jump. “Doctor Phil, have I got a man for you!” she proclaimed with Marbles in her arms. 

Phil just rolled his eyes with a laugh and leaned back in his chair, knowing he wasn’t going to get any work done for the next half hour or so while Jenna was in his office. “Who is it this time? Please do not try and set me up with that weirdo from the art department again.” 

Jenna sat down on the sofa in Phil’s office, and he cringed internally at the paint chipping off of her Crocs that would surely be ground into his carpet at some point or another. He made a mental note to put in a request for his carpet to be hoovered that night. “No, he’s in the philosophy department. You and him have the same throw pillow on your couches and he has a little cross-stitch that says ‘move, I’m gay,’ so basically, ya perfect for each other,” she said in her exaggerated accent. 

“Which pillow of mine does he have? The Katamari one or the yee meme one?” Marbles was roaming around Phil’s office now, sniffing one of Phil’s shoes and asking to be picked up with his big puppy dog eyes and goofy tongue that stuck out. Phil obliged to his unspoken request, lifting him up to let him sit on the desk. Marbles burrowed himself in a stack of Phil’s papers and he would’ve been slightly upset if Marbles wasn’t so adorable. He thought to himself that he should get Marbles a little dog bed for the top of his desk like Jenna had for him, because laying on top of stacks of papers couldn’t have been comfortable. 

“The yee one,” she said, and then the door to Phil’s office opened again. Natalie poked her head in and smiled when she saw the two of them.

“Oh hi ladies, how are we? Didn’t realize there was a party happening without me.” Her tone turned slightly stern as she turned her attention to Phil. “Why were you not at the meeting for all of the humanities yesterday?” 

“Did we get nothing done because everyone else in the English department couldn’t stop fighting?” She nodded her head, and Phil pointed one of his fingers at her with a wink and a click of his tongue. “There we go, that’s why. I hate going to those meetings and you know it.” 

Natalie fully opened the door and leaned on the handle, jutting a hip out and resting a hand on it. “Phil, my love, you know that we have to go to those meetings. They’re important.”

“So you’ll sign off saying that I was there when I submit my evaluation form for it?” He asked hopefully, and Natalie just rolled her eyes.

“I mean yeah, obviously, I’m not your mother. I won’t make you sit through another one of those dumb meetings. Don’t let me interrupt though, I heard Jenna talking about a new daddy for you?” 

“ _'How was your Christmas Phil?’ ‘Oh thanks for asking, Natalie, it was great,’_ “ Phil mimicked as he turned back to his computer. He loved his friends like they were family, but just like family, they could get under his skin sometimes. 

“Don’t listen to him, let me show you who I’m talking about,” Jenna said as she scooted over on Phil’s couch and patted the spot next to her for Natalie to sit. “You probably know him already, he’s in the philosophy department with you.” 

“Ooh, an interdepartmental romance! Who is it?” Phil was able to tune out their chatter for a while as he filled out the evaluation form for a meeting that he didn’t attend on the Crimson Link teacher portal and gently scratched at Marbles’ ears whenever he nudged Phil for attention. He wondered briefly as they nattered on about the guy they wanted to set him up with if this is what having sisters were like. If it was, he was thankful that he had a brother. 

He wouldn’t trade his coworkers for the world though. Having people all the way across the sea from home who he knew would look out for him and take care of him just as any family member would do was reassuring, especially when the thought crossed his mind that he truly had no family here. If anything went wrong, he was on his own; he couldn’t call his dad to help him with an issue around the house, his mum wasn’t within driving distance to bring him a home-cooked meal just because, and his brother couldn’t come and sit in his apartment and just exist in the same space as him. 

When the thoughts like that got too much though, Jenna and Julien would be at his home in less than ten minutes, a home-cooked vegan meal with them and their dogs in tow. Natalie was always willing to help Phil with things around the house, and when PJ was in town from Cornell, he was the perfect person to just sit in Phil’s kitchen and work in silence with. 

Natalie’s voice broke Phil’s concentration. “When are you available next week?” 

“What?” 

“You heard me, when are you available?” She asked as she leaned forward and smacked Phil’s leg a little bit. 

He chuckled and smiled as he flipped through his planner. “Um, it looks like either Tuesday or Wednesday next week. Every other day I have either a night class or a meeting.” 

“Dan never does anything after he’s done teaching because he’s a recluse with no friends, so what day do you want to go out to dinner with him?” Natalie asked, popping her gum in her mouth.

“Wow, you’re doing such a great job selling him to me. Really a step up from Jaques. Have you talked to him to see if he’s okay with this too? Where should we go?” 

“He’ll find out in a half-hour when I see him, you two can work the place out together, and he’s vegan so it has to be vegan-friendly.” 

Phil waved his hand for a bit more information as Marbles jumped off the desk and into his lap. “What does he look like, is he not in the maths department again, there’s a lot that I need to know before we do this, ladies.” 

Jenna looked fake offended. “Do you not trust us? I thought we were the most trustworthy people at Harvard!”

“Can I at least see a picture of him?” Phil asked. 

“I mean if you want to look him up sure, but he’s a newer professor so I don’t think that his photo will be in Crimson Link just yet,” Jenna said as she stood up. “I have to go, I’ve got classes, but I’m expecting an invite to the wedding, okay?” She made a gesture that said I’m watching you as she walked out with her dog in her arms. 

Phil barked out a laugh. “Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves here?” 

Natalie shook her head as she stood up and brushed invisible dust off her black pencil skirt. “Nope. We’re not. I’ll give Dan your number when I see him. Also, make sure you remind me that I need to sign off on your form from the meeting,” she said as she breezed out of his office.

“I’ll email you to remind you,” Phil said. Natalie blew a kiss at him before she left and shut the door behind her. 

Phil was never one to wait around for a text or an email from someone, so he wasn’t worried that it took Dan a little while to text him. When he was in the middle of going through the syllabus the next day with his analytical literature class and his phone went off, it was easy to ignore. What wasn’t easy to ignore, however, was Jenna stopping at the door to the small classroom Phil was teaching in, rapping her knuckles on the door to tell him to check his phone, and then walking away with a stupid smirk on her face. He stumbled over what he was saying slightly with a laugh before going back to his lesson. A student at the back of the room raised his hand and Phil nodded towards him.

“Doctor Mourey wants you to answer your phone, I think.” The room broke out into light laughter, and Phil chuckled as well.

“Yeah, and I’d like for you to do all of your homework this semester, Mike. I know one of those two things will happen, fingers crossed on that second one,” Phil quipped back, crossing his fingers to emphasize his point. “Now, let’s get back to what you paid for, shall we?” 

Once the class was done, Phil finally checked his phone, squinting as he read the screen. Maybe he should get new glasses, but there were more pressing matters to attend to right then.

_617-0598: Hey! This is Daniel Howell, Jenna’s apparently decided that you and I are soulmates. How are you?_

He smiled at the message and fired off a quick response that wasn’t nearly as witty as he’d hoped it would be, but he wasn’t too hung up on it. On Phil’s subway ride home he and Dan planned their dinner. They decided on some restaurant on the harbor that seemed fancy, fancier than Phil would normally pick. He was a simple guy, but if Dan wanted to go to a fancier place then he was fine with that. They also picked Wednesday since it would be a good way to break up the week, and Phil panicked slightly because he hadn’t been on a date in over two years. When he got home, he decided to do the only thing he wanted to do when he panicked and picked up the phone to check what time it was in London, then called his brother. 

“Question for you, should I bring flowers on a first date or no?” He asked before his brother even said hello.

He knew Martyn well enough to know he was making a face. _“Ew, no. Reeks of desperation. I know you’re desperate but you’re not that desperate, surely. Are you guys going to a restaurant that has a good wine selection?”_

“Um, let me check, I’m not entirely sure,” Phil said while he sat down at his computer to check the menu. “Yeah, all the bottles are over twenty dollars.”

_“Okay, it doesn’t matter what brand or kind it is, just buy a bottle for the two of you guys. Or if you’re intent on getting him something, pay attention to what he says during the date and then if you happen to see something in a shop or whatever that reminds you of him then get it for him.”_

Phil nodded. “Okay, that sounds easy enough. It’s super fancy so I should wear a suit right?” 

Again, he knew Martyn was making a face at him. _“Duh, you idiot. You’re lucky you have me, y'know?”_

Phil laughed. “I know.” He paused for a moment. “I’m really gonna miss you on my birthday.”

His brother paused and cleared his throat quietly. _“I know. We’re gonna miss you too. Birthdays and holidays are hard without each other. They always are. Just, make sure you Facetime us like you always do. We’ll be having a party for you over here.”_

Phil nodded again and sighed. “I will, I promise. Tell Mum and Dad I say hi.” 

“Will do.” Martyn paused for a moment. _“Hey, Phil? Fuck you.”_

He laughed and felt himself smile. “Go to hell, Martyn.” He said fondly before he hung up the phone.

It felt like the next week flew by and before Phil knew it, Wednesday had arrived. He was jittery all day, it felt like. Phil knew that he was chronically early for everything, so he figured sitting outside for a few minutes and waiting would be fine. He didn’t anticipate however, just how cold it would be outside, and after a few minutes, he could barely feel the tips of his fingers. He cupped his hands around his mouth and blew on them, the warmth of his breath thawing them out almost imperceptibly. His fish brain shifted from thinking about how cold he was, to panicking over the fact that he could easily be stood up by this guy Jenna had set him up with. They’d never met before, Jenna had only told Phil his name, and he seemed like an alright guy for the week they’d been texting each other. 

Texting and actually meeting each other in person were two totally different ball games though, and it could be so easy for the guy to just drop Phil and never respond again. Phil’s confidence had already taken a blow after the last time he tried dating, and just as he was nearly spirling into a panic and getting up to leave, he remembered that Dan had made sure to talk to him and confirm they were still on for the night. 

The cold eventually became unbearable, and even though his fish brain was still panicking slightly, Phil got up and went inside the restaurant. There was someone else inside now. He was a tall man in a perfectly tailored black suit, with some pink glasses perched on his nose, his eyes blocked from view by the light of his phone screen. Phil figured his own date was just running a little late, so he sat on one of the overstuffed benches and waited for a few minutes. He wasn’t even sure who he was waiting for, he didn’t know what his date looked like, but waiting for whoever his date was to get there felt like the gentlemanly thing to do. 

After a half-hour, Phil was worried he’d been stood up. The guy beside him had sat down finally, and he looked just as discouraged as Phil did. Finally, Phil decided to just call Dan, but before he got the chance to, his phone started ringing with Dan’s name popping up across the screen. He slid across to answer, and nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the guy beside him clearly.

“Hey, are you on your way?” Dan asked, and Phil glanced over at the other man in the lobby with him with an astonished look on his face. 

“Yeah, I’ve been here for a while now, look to your right.” Dan glanced to his left first, which made Phil laugh. “No, your other right.”

He swiveled his head around, then after a moment to process the situation, his face lit up with a smile and he hung up the phone. “Hi! You must be Phil Lester, right?”

Phil nodded. “Yep, and you’re Dan Howell I take it?”

He laughed and smiled wide enough that two dimples appeared on his face, and God was he gorgeous. Jenna did a good job this time. “That’s me. Why don’t we go sit down finally huh? I’m starving.” 

While the hostess brought them to their reserved table, Phil took a moment to look around the restaurant that Dan had picked. It was super fancy, the lighting low and the tables spaced out around the room, each of them with a half-circular booth rather than chairs. The bar had a cool piece of blown glass art behind it that looked like ocean waves. 

The thing that took up most of Phil’s attention though was Dan who carried himself with a kind of confidence that didn’t exactly scream “recluse with no friends” as Natalie had alluded to earlier in the week. He was cool, calm, collected, pretty much the exact opposite of Phil. How the girls thought he would be a good match for Dan was beyond him, but he decided to not waste this opportunity and at least have a good night out.

Their table had a stunning view of Boston Harbor, and in the light from the pendant above their table, Phil noticed that Dan’s pink glasses were slightly sparkly. He couldn’t help but laugh quietly to himself as he glanced over the wine list.

“What?” Dan asked with a smile on his face. Phil just shook his head.

“Oh, nothing, sorry. Just happy. That’s all. What’s good here? I’ve always seen this place but never eaten here before.”

“The vegan sushi flight is really good. If you like vegan food that is. If not I’ve heard the shrimp tacos are really delicious.” Phil grabbed the wine list and looked over it, but it all looked like gibberish to him. “Not a big wine guy?” Dan asked with a smile that was comparable to the Boston skyline, in Phil’s eyes. 

He laughed and shook his head. “No, not really. Are you?” 

“Yeah, I love wine. I’ll show you the ropes of it all. This one would pair well with the vegan sushi, and this one would go better with the shrimp tacos.” Dan said, pointing to each option as his glittery nail varnish sparkled in the dim lighting. 

“This one sounds good,” Phil said, pointing to something called Grüner Veltliner and hoping he’d picked a good one. 

Dan kissed his fingers like a chef and smiled at Phil. “An excellent choice my good sir.” 

Phil laughed and tried to keep his tongue from poking out in between his teeth in that weird way it did. “So, Jenna tells me you’re a philosophy professor?” He asked as his fingers mindlessly fidgeted with the corner of a napkin.

“I am, and you’re a literature professor,” Dan said, a playful gleam in his eyes. “Do you think Jenna set us up because we’re both British?” 

Phil shrugged. “Maybe, who knows. She told me that you have the same meme pillow in your office that I do in mine.” 

Dan made finger guns at Phil and winked with a click of his tongue. “If I’m known for anything it’s my memes.”

“I’m known for being a smartass back to my students. On the rare occasion that they’re smartasses to me.” 

“Hey, whatever it takes, right?” 

The rest of their dinner was fantastic, the sushi and wine went amazing together just as Dan had said, and when the waiter brought the check over Phil grabbed it before Dan could see. He could see Dan revving up to say something, but Phil just pointed at him with his teacher’s face on. “Shut it. No discussion,” he said while he grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket. His hands were shaking slightly. Why were his hands shaking? They’d been inside for at least two hours now, and there wasn’t a draft in here. 

As he was pondering it, his clumsy fingers slipped and all of the cards he had in his wallet flung out across the table. “Whoops, I’ll help you,” Dan said as he gathered up the cards. 

“No, Dan it’s really fine-” Phil started when he saw Dan grabbing for one of the cards. His face was already heating up before Dan could register what it was. 

Dan glanced at the card and then realization spread across his face. “You’re a MENSA member? Like, the group of the top two percent on the IQ scale in the world?” Dan asked. Phil wanted to shrink down in the booth away from the question, but all he did was nod his head. “That’s insane! Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Phil shrugged. “I just don’t like bragging about it, that’s all. It was cool at the time but now it feels like too much of an ‘I’m better than you’ thing, and that’s never who I’ve wanted to be.” 

Dan tapped the small pile of cards he was holding against the table and handed them back to Phil to fish through for his credit card. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think it’s pretty amazing,” he said, leaning his head against his hand and smiling at Phil. 

Phil started in on his usual rant that he went on as he signed the check and wrote in the tip. “Plus, there’s so many different levels of intelligence than just a standard IQ test. Sure, I do well on those but ask any of my family, I am literally the dumbest person alive. I have to call my brother for just about everything. I had to call him the other night about my laundry to make sure the colors wouldn’t all run together.” 

“Oh, don’t worry, the number of times I still have to call my mum for the most random of things is insane. I had a bat stuck in my apartment once and had to call her to figure out what to do.” 

As they walked out of the restaurant and back into the cold, Phil shivered slightly. “Do you live by Harvard?” He asked, hoping they could take the T home together, and he could maybe even walk Dan to his door like in the movies. So he was sappy and wanted to be in a romantic comedy, sue him. 

“Oh, yeah! I live a couple of T stops up on the red line. You must live close too, right?” 

Phil nodded. “Yeah, I live off the green line though. I guess this is where we part for the night?” Phil said, hoping that the slight sadness he was feeling didn’t show in his voice. 

Dan smiled at Phil, an emotion in his eyes that Phil couldn’t place. “I guess so. We should definitely find more time to get together though, I had a great time tonight.”

“I did too. Jenna did a pretty good job, huh?” 

Dan thought for a moment then nodded. “Definitely. Goodnight,” Dan said as he opened his arms for a hug. Phil reciprocated, and it felt slightly awkward between them, but something about all of this had felt so right that he couldn’t deny that Jenna had done well with this one. 

Finally, after so many misses, Phil felt like he’d gotten a hit.

-

As Phil was walking past the lecture hall in the humanities building the next day, he heard a familiar voice through the open door and stopped himself to listen for a moment. Dan’s honors Philosophy class was going on right now according to the schedule on the wall, and it seemed like the back row was largely unoccupied. Phil glanced around the hallway outside of the room to make sure no one would see him, and he slipped through the door and slid into the seat closest to it. 

“Now, when we talk about metaphysics, what do we mean?” Dan asked rhetorically as he wrote the word METAPHYSICS in giant purple letters with his left hand on the board behind him. His hand dragging across the whiteboard smudged some of the ink slightly, and when he pulled his hand away from the board Phil could see that his hand was purple all over the side. 

“Metaphysics is the study of reality as we know it. They’re the questions that we have about the nature of reality, like what is time, how do we define ‘alive,’ and obviously, these are not easy questions to answer. In like, any sense of the word. These are the kind of questions that spark the most debate in my classes, nearly without fail, but they’re also the hardest to have coherent arguments about. So because of this, right now we’re not going to spend as much time on metaphysics as we will towards the end, once we learn a little more about how to properly form your arguments and center them in the principles of another piece of philosophy-” 

Dan stopped himself and turned around to write another word on the board. This time it was LOGIC, written in Dan’s messy chicken scratch. “Believe it or not, logic is the basis of a lot of philosophical debate. People tend to get caught up in the idea that philosophy has no right answer, which is somewhat true, but philosophical debates almost always have a logical answer. You can argue essentially whatever you want, but you have to have the logic of the reality around you to back it up. 

“Beyond just those six main branches, we also are going to consider philosophies of other fields as well. Religion, law, language, science, art, and even mathematics have different philosophies to them. I’ve given you a list of different philosophies to pick from, and each member of the class will present a traditional research poster at the end of the semester in a mini-symposium of sorts.” Dan turned around to erase the board and turned back around afterward, adjusting his glasses and smiling at the class. “Okay, that just about wraps it up, see you all on Friday. Be sure to get the books from the bookstore and do the reading from the syllabus! Email me with any questions!” 

Phil couldn’t help himself from smiling like some kind of an idiot at Dan’s lesson. It wasn’t mind-blowing stuff, he’d taken Intro to Philosophy in university so he knew the basics of what Dan was talking about, but it was purely the way he presented it that made it interesting. Dan was an interesting person to listen to. He made the lesson fun and held a conversational tone with his students that Phil aspired to have. He still held a boundary with them; he wasn’t the ‘Mr. Howell’s my father, call me Dan’ professor, but he related to the students in a way that was refreshing for Harvard. 

Phil was sat at his desk in his office a few hours later, reading an email from a student when someone tapped their knuckles on the thick oak door to his office. He glanced at the door, meeting another one of his student’s nervous smiles. 

“So sorry to interrupt, Doctor Lester, I know it’s not office hours but I have that paper that was late.” Anna had a pink folder in her hand with her name and the class stuck to the front with a sticker from a label maker. “If I can get the folder back, that would be great.” 

“Oh! Of course, no need to worry. Make sure this doesn’t become a regular occurrence though, okay? This is your one get out of jail free card this semester.” She nodded feverishly when Phil said that, then after a few moments smirked knowingly at him.

“By the way, I saw you’re taking honors Philosophy with Doctor Howell now?” 

Phil shook his head and laughed. “I just stopped in because it seemed interesting and I had a moment away from my office.” 

“Okay well, if you need the notes let me know,” Anna said with a joking tone in her voice before closing the door to Phil’s office. 

As Phil returned to the email he’d been reading, a thought crossed his mind, and he checked what time it was on the Isle of Man before calling his dad. “Hey, random question for you. I need to know if I left some books at home before I moved,” Phil said after his dad greeted him, picking at his nails a little. 

_“You moved to America four years ago Phil, and we moved house in that time as well. If you left whichever book you’re thinking of here, it’s probably long gone by now. I’m pretty sure we moved all your books with you.”_

“Can you remember if I brought my textbooks from when I was doing my masters’ degrees?” 

He could hear his dad getting up out of his chair. _“We actually might have those. Let me check for you. You didn’t want to bring them with you, but your mother would’ve killed me if we threw out any of your things.”_

Phil chuckled and leaned back in his chair slightly. “She was the same way with Martyn’s stuff after he moved out.”

 _“Possessive over the two of you? Your mother? No, never! What gave you that idea?”_ On the other end of the phone, Phil could hear boxes moving out of a closet until his dad happened on what he was looking for. _“Okay, I found a box of your books but I’m not sure if it’s the ones you’re looking for.”_

“It would be a philosophy textbook, I don’t remember what the title is.” 

_“Philip, you have a photographic memory and you’re telling me you don’t remember something?”_

“I think for the first time in my life, I don’t remember something that I read, yes.” 

His dad just laughed. _“I don’t see any philosophy books in here, you must’ve brought it with you then.”_

Sure enough, when Phil got home and combed through his bookshelves, there was his intro to philosophy textbook with all his other books from his first master’s degree. It had been a while since Phil had even looked at the book, but that night he found himself fascinated by it as he flipped through and read all the selections by the big three, Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. He didn’t take notes on it like he remembered doing when he was in university, but he just underlined passages he thought might be important and did some Googling as he read. When he woke up the next morning, the book was laying beside him on his bed with his glasses shoved in between the pages.


	2. Golden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at me, updating after nearly two months! sweet dude!
> 
> thanks to Tara for beta-ing and adam driver movies for distracting me for two months

He had to admit, making himself wake up early enough to teach an eight am class on Wednesdays wasn’t one of Phil’s brightest moves. 

He wasn’t exactly a morning person, and Harvard let him pick his schedule, so he could’ve prevented this from happening, he thought to himself as he shuffled down the stairs to the green line trains with the rest of a zombified Boston around him. The MBTA was on his side this time, however, and the 6:45 train was surprisingly on time. 

The humanities building was lit up on the outside, giving it an almost gothic look as Phil trudged up to it. He stopped for a moment to look at it and marvel, as he did most days, at the fact that he actually worked here and then opened the door to warmth, and most importantly, coffee somewhere within the building. 

Just as he hoped for, coffee was in the building, and when he walked into the staff room, he was greeted by Dan’s smiling face standing next to the coffee maker. How he could be that happy at seven in the morning was a mystery to Phil. 

“Morning! How are you?” Dan asked. It had been a few days since Phil had last seen him, and he was even more stunning than Phil remembered. 

Dan had presented him with a few different contradictions in the first few weeks Phil had known him; he was smart, but the kind of smart that he didn’t need to boast about, and he had a quiet confidence about him that made him charismatic (the good kind, not the culty kind). He was beautiful, but didn’t need to have others tell him he was beautiful, the kind of beautiful that --

As Phil was thinking about all of this, the coffee mug in his hand landed on the carpet with a thunk. His coffee had spilled everywhere and the spoon of sugar he was holding was on the ground too, dissolving into the coffee and ruining the carpet under their feet. “Oh, shoot,” Phil said quietly as he grabbed the napkin roll from its stand and crouched down to try and fix the mess. 

Dan snorted without looking up from his tablet. “That’s why you shouldn’t have four cups of coffee a day, Phil,” he quipped. 

“I haven't even had one yet.” Phil looked at the spilled coffee dejectedly and then up at Dan. “D’you think I’ll die if I try and suck it out of the carpet?” 

Dan looked at the pitiful visage of Phil at his feet, squinting a bit. “Maybe? Try it, report back to me," he said casually before he turned back to whatever he was doing on his iPad. 

Phil looked back down at the carpet and seriously considered sucking the coffee out of it, but he still had a little bit of his dignity intact and he figured he shouldn’t throw it away because of coffee. His knees protested when he got up and Natalie just laughed at him when she walked into the staff room. 

“Ladies, keep it PG on campus! What would Dean Thorn say if he saw?” 

Dan squawked out a laugh as Phil stood there slightly horrified at what she’d said. He should be used to Natalie’s humor by now, but sometimes it was a little too much even for her. 

“Dean Thorn would probably want to join in if we’re all being honest with ourselves here.” 

“Daniel! It’s seven in the morning!” Phil could feel his face heating up as his friends bantered back and forth with each other. 

Dan cooed as he walked past Phil. “Aww, you’re blushing. Did we embarrass you?” He pinched Phil’s cheek and winked at him, walking out of the staff room and leaving a very flustered Phil in his wake. 

He needed to get out more.

-

Phil's cursed eight am contemporary literature class had watched an episode of Black Mirror for their homework a few nights ago, an episode entitled The Entire History of You. He would readily admit that he bent the definition of “literature” to fit his own likes and dislikes, and he was back on a Black Mirror kick again after a while of not watching the show. He’d had his students answer questions about the episode for homework and were going to discuss them in class; that is, they were _going to_ , if he could find his fucking key ring again to open the door to the classroom. Why Harvard trusted him with his own sets of keys was beyond him, if his propensity to lose things that weren’t important were any indication of his lack of organization skills. Luckily, he’d gotten to the door before any students had, so they didn’t have to witness him trying and failing to find the keys. 

Eventually, he found the keys and managed to not spill his coffee on the recently replaced carpet for the second time that morning. Slowly but surely his students trickled in and gathered around the large table in the middle of the room. Phil seated himself at the head of it with his papers all spread out and his second cup of coffee within an arm's reach at all times, even when he got up to lecture or walk around the room. 

This room was by far his favorite room that he taught in. It was tucked away on the top floor of the humanities building, one wall taken up by a standard whiteboard and projector setup, and the other one a floor-to-ceiling window that overlooked the side of the Harvard campus facing the suburban homes nestled in the trees on Kirkland Street. It was beautiful, especially at this time of year, and Phil intentionally angled the table so that he could see everything happening outside. 

“Cat whiskers today, Doctor Lester?” one of his students asked, referencing his coffee mug of choice that day. She had a shock of purple hair and had a cool tattoo of flowers on the top of one of her arms, and was definitely someone Phil would’ve hung out with when he was in university.

“Yes, only because it’s the last clean mug that I had at my house this morning. Now, I trust that you all watched the episode of Black Mirror I assigned last night? Or whenever it was we last met. Monday, right?” Phil said as he got up from his chair and went over to the podium at the front of the room. He set the mug down on it and then realized that he didn’t have his list of questions with him. “Who wants to start by summarizing what happened in the episode?” An international student from Ireland raised his hand and Phil nodded towards him as he leaned his forearms against the podium after retrieving his list of questions. “Tadgh, go for it.”

“So everyone has chips in their brains that can record and play back every memory we have, as many times as they want, and the main character Liam uses it to prove that his wife Ffion is cheating on him with one of their friends.” 

“Very good. And I know that this assignment was a bit of a stretch in terms of the rest of what we’re doing, but as I said on the first day of this class, we’re all going to arrive at the point together, you just have to trust me to lead you there. With that in mind, what sort of themes from the literature we’ve been reading are also covered throughout the episode?” 

He posed the question as he stepped away from the podium, pulling a marker out of his pocket and uncapping it with one hand. After scribbling the word _themes_ across the top of the board, he turned back to the class who were all turning the pages of their notebooks and scrolling through their tablets to refresh their memories from when they did the assignment. A few students raised their hands and they went around to construct the list of different archetypes and themes throughout the episode. “These are all fantastic answers, and none of them are wrong, but I want you all to think back to our lessons on The Handmaid’s Tale and The Veldt. What kinds of stories were those?” Phil asked, tapping the marker against his palm as he meandered around the room. 

A timid voice piped up from the corner of the room. “Science fiction?” the girl asked.

“Very close Amanda, but not quite. What was the term Margaret Attwood used to describe Handmaid’s Tale?” Phil said, and he could tell that it was on the tip of the class’s tongue. 

“Speculative fiction, right?” Tadgh said. 

Phil clapped his hands together and pointed at his student. “Yes! Very good. The theme of speculative fiction, otherwise known as fiction that encompasses works in which the setting is other than the real world, involving supernatural, futuristic, or other imagined elements. Test me, I guarantee that’s the exact definition Google spits out at you,” Phil said with a smug smile on his face, turning to write _speculative fiction_ on the board behind him. 

As they talked more and more about the episode, Phil was reminded of why he loved teaching so much, especially at this kind of caliber. The students in the class were well versed in everything that was happening, and they embraced his non-traditional approach to guiding them towards the general point he was trying to make. He felt as though everyone in the room was on the same playing field, and that everyone could push each other higher and harder to see different connections and new points of view than they were used to.

After he finished his last class of the day later that afternoon, someone walking up beside Phil and bumping into his shoulder pulled him out of his phone and back into the real world. “Hey! How are you?” Dan asked in a chipper tone, his brilliant smile lighting up Phil’s world as usual.

“I’m great now that I’m done teaching for the day, how are you?” Phil replied as he put his phone back into the pocket of his slacks, his stupid heart skipping a beat in his chest at the fact that Dan had clearly sought him out in between his classes. 

“Oh, you’re done teaching? Are you doing anything this afternoon?” Dan asked, that dumb smile still on his face. Phil shook his head, even though he’d planned to call his brother later that afternoon. Martyn would just have to wait though, there were more pressing matters to attend to right then. "Cool! I just need to stop at the library really quick to make sure some books are still there, where are you headed?” 

Phil had been headed back to his office, but he figured he could make a quick pit stop at the library with Dan before he sat down for a monotonous afternoon of grading papers. “I was going to the library too, to pick out a new book for this week. I’ve already finished the three I wanted to read.”

Dan made a surprised noise beside him. “You’re getting a fourth book for just this week? Phil, it’s Wednesday. How many books do you read in a month?” 

He shrugged and tried to think, his eyes darting around at the snowed-over greenery of the campus. He wasn’t sure why Dan was so surprised that he read a lot, he did have four degrees more or less all on the subject of reading, after all. “Probably twenty? It depends on how busy I am and the time of year, mostly. If I’m back home in Manchester I bring five or six books to read with me. My backpack is basically full of books for the plane ride. When I’m helping students with dissertations or a thesis I’ll skim through the books they reference if I haven’t read them already, just to make sure they’re not too far off base with their analysis of them.” 

“What’s like, the wildest analysis of a text you’ve ever heard?” Dan asked. 

It took Phil a moment to remember his favorite one. “I had a student in a Biblical literature course try and argue once that Cain murdered Abel in the book of Genesis because they were the first gay couple in history and that the guilt of being gay weighed so heavily on Cain that the only option was to murder his brother. Which like, I’m all for homoerotic subtext in classical literature, but that one feels like a bit of a stretch.” 

“We actually have a word for that in philosophy. It’s called reification, or the act of drawing subjective comparisons with objective language. Basically, looking way too hard and making one thing into something completely different,” Dan said as he held one of the massive doors to the library open for Phil. “You can make anything into anything you want, but the comparison you draw between two things has to be meaningful.”

The above-ground floor of the library opened up to a small marble staircase, and then the staircase opened to a room intimidating in its grandeur. Students milled about, working at the hundreds of tables arranged in perfect lines down the middle of the room, each table outfitted with six chairs and small golden lamps that clicked on when the bright afternoon sun sank behind the trees and buildings. This floor was more for the students, however, so Dan and Phil made their way to the elevator, continuing to talk in hushed tones while they waited for the ancient elevator to groan its way up to them. 

“What’s the weirdest argument you’ve ever heard in your philosophy classes?” Phil murmured. 

“I had a student once try and argue in my Platonic philosophy course that it was the moral thing to let a patient who’d been injured in a car accident die because he’d been stupid and drove drunk rather than honor the Hippocratic oath and try to save the patient’s life. That student also just...felt the need to announce to the class that he was a diagnosed sociopath and couldn’t feel empathy. Once we learned that little fun fact about him, everything else he said made sense. Remind me to make sure I never have him as a surgeon, ever,” Dan quipped in a hushed whisper, and Phil huffed out a quiet laugh. 

They stopped by the circulation desk downstairs quickly to see if enough copies of The Republic were still in the library for Dan to reserve a few for his class, and luckily there were. In the back of his head, Phil thought that he had a copy of The Republic somewhere in his office. He’d have to dig it out and give it another read at some point. Another thought struck him, and his mouth was moving faster than his filter before he blurted it out.

“Do you have a favorite book?” It wasn’t as stupid of a question as he could’ve asked (he once asked what the Spanish word for quesadilla was) but it felt like a dumb question because he could’ve asked Dan a few days earlier when they’d been on their date.

Dan didn’t seem taken aback at all by the question, he just smiled a warm and genuine smile at Phil. “This is going to sound really stupid, but Paper Towns. It’s not the highest brow literature in the world, my brother will certainly be the first to tell you that and then make a case for why John Green marks the death of the young adult genre, but it makes you feel as you’re reading and it makes you think. That should be the aim of books, at least in my opinion. What about you?” 

“Mine isn’t exactly a Greek classic either, so don’t feel too bad. Ready Player One is a big favorite, or any of the Maze Runner books. Those were all fantastic. I’m also a big Stephen King and Karen Russel fan as well.” 

Dan nodded in approval, then it looked as though a lightbulb went off in his head. “Idea. Why don’t you and I go pick out a book for the other to read? No limits, any topic or genre we want. I’m not exactly a voracious reader anymore, not like you at least, so let’s say that we each have a month to read the book the other picks out.” 

Phil wished that he had the kind of creativity that allowed Dan to think quickly on his feet. “I’m game. How much time do we have to pick out a book?” 

Dan hummed quietly and glanced at his watch. “How’s a half-hour sound?” 

“Sounds perfect to me. When does our half-hour start?” 

His companion’s face lit up in a smile and he murmured “right now” in Phil’s ear before darting away to the stairs. If Dan only knew the effect he had on Phil’s stupid gay heart. 

The circular levels of the library suddenly seemed more labyrinthine than usual as Phil tried to rack his brain for what book Dan would like. Phil’s favorite place on campus, by far, was this section of the library. It had become a second home to him, the juxtaposition of the more modern books against the darkened wood backdrop something that seemed so quintessentially Harvard to him. 

He remembered how when he first started, the size and sheer _volume_ of books had created a puzzle for him that made it seem like the library was endless. Wandering through the rings of the three levels felt like wandering through a maze. One of his coworkers had told him just this library alone had over a million books in it, and honestly, he wouldn’t at all be surprised if that were true. Who knew how many the other three had, especially the law library. He was just lucky that the shelves in this library were all built into the circular walls, and weren’t a sea of expensive and old books that his clumsy limbs could potentially tip over and ruin. 

Thankfully, his ability to navigate the old wooden shelves had gotten slightly better over the years, and he hadn’t had to ask a librarian for help in almost six months. He walked by the performing stage setup and climbed the carpeted staircase, searching for the hallway that would take him to the sections he was searching for. He considered giving Dan some kind of classic gay literature like Oscar Wilde, or something gay from the Gothic period like Thomas Beckford, but he’d already checked out both the books he had in mind. He could save those ones for next month, he supposed, as he felt himself relax into the soft mood lighting. 

He turned around to look across the library for a moment, and he spotted Dan’s signature impeccably tailored black suit and rose gold glasses from across the cavernous room. Dan was standing in front of one of the stacks, his eyes scanning over the text in his hand with a look of excited determination on his face, meaning he’d probably found the philosophy books. Phil never wished he could read a mind more than he wanted to right at that moment.

Either out of habit, or just because he really did love the genre, he ended up in the horror section shoved all the way in the very top of the library in between the graphic novels and the various modern religious texts. He thought about giving Dan his favorite horror book, The Haunting of Hill House, but that felt too obvious. He wondered if he could make Dan love The Graveless Doll of Eric Mutis just as much as he did, or if he could peddle a horror graphic novel like Infidel onto Dan just for a change in pace. Bird Box had been a huge hit with his contemporary literature classes right after the movie came out, but he knew that Dan hadn’t liked the ending of the movie so he probably wouldn’t like the ending of the book either. Dan spent a week over Christmas break in Vermont every year, so to spook him a little bit, Phil thought he could give him The Winter People, but he wasn’t that cruel.

When they’d gone on their date, Dan had talked about what a big fan of fantasy novels he was, so Phil wandered over to the fantasy section, trying to look for something different and amazing just like Dan. Everything felt too obvious; of course, Phil would give Dan Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings. Martyn’s words from their phone call rang in his head: think about what he says he likes. 

Then, a lightbulb went off in Phil’s head and he darted over to the graphic novel section, grabbing a book off of the shelf and heading downstairs to the circulation desk to meet Dan. 

The man of the hour was standing over by the desk on his phone, and when he saw that Phil was coming towards him his face lit up in a gorgeous smile again. “Hey, there you are. Whatcha got for me?” he asked. 

“I grabbed you the graphic novel adaptation of Fahrenheit 451. We did this in my contemporary literature class and everyone loved it. If you like that one, I can give you the graphic adaptation of The Lottery by Shirley Jackson too.” 

Dan’s eyes went wide as he briefly flipped through the book. “The art style is so cool, how in the world did you get the idea to give me this?” 

Phil shrugged. “I remember you saying that you’re a fan of Bradbury, and not many people know that it was made into a graphic novel,” he said, smiling back at Dan. “What did you pull for me?”

Dan laughed. “I wanted to give you a bit of a challenge and expand your mind a little, so I got you Aristotle’s Rhetoric.” He handed Phil a small hardcover book and adjusted his glasses. “You also seem to be a stowaway in my honors Philosophy class, so you should have the text so you can follow along.” 

He felt himself blush at that and laughed quietly. “I thought I was being sneaky about it but I guess I didn’t do a very good job.” 

Dan shook his head. “No, not really. I noticed you in the back row the day after we went out to dinner together the first time. I expect the homework on my desk by 11:30 tomorrow morning, by the way,” he said with a tone that was only half sarcastic. They both paused the conversation for a moment to check out their books, then went back out of the library to head back to the humanities building together. 

“So what are your plans for the rest of this week?” Dan asked as he flipped through the book Phil had picked for him. 

Phil just shrugged. “Nothing much I guess, it’s my birthday on Saturday but-”

“It’s your birthday this weekend?! Why didn’t you tell me!” Dan said with a smile as he shoved Phil gently. “We have to do something together.” Phil tried to tell Dan that he didn’t have to do anything special for him, but Dan wouldn’t hear of it. “I’m coming over to your place on Saturday to make you dinner and we’ll watch a movie and it’ll be great.”

“Dan, really I don’t need all that. My friend PJ and his fiance Sophie are coming to visit for the weekend and I’ll talk to my family too. We always have a satellite birthday party together.”

He just rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever, but I’m still getting you something.” Phil gave him a look and Dan returned it. “Shut it. I don’t want to hear anything out of you,” Dan said.

“I didn’t say anything, I just looked at you!” Phil said through his giggles.

“You looked at me with a tone,” Dan said, unable to hide his own smirk.

When Phil got back to his office, he settled into his chair and started going through the online assignments his class had submitted, but he found it hard to focus with the Aristotle book Dan had picked out on his desk. This happened often when he got a new book or movie, he could barely focus on anything until he read or watched whatever it was. He shook his head and tried to focus. He barely got a dent into what he was doing before someone knocked on his door. 

“Open!” Phil called without taking his eyes off his computer. 

“Hey, are you having trouble with the grade book on Crimson Link?” Dan asked when he opened the door. “Mine isn't working.”

Phil looked at Dan and shook his head. “Nope, mine’s been working just fine. Did you forget your password again?” 

“We just changed them a few days ago so I haven’t had time to forget it yet. Maybe it’s just my office computer?” Dan shrugged and rolled his eyes. “Natalie said hers was working fine but mine never seems to work when I need it.” 

Phil laughed and pushed his glasses up higher on his nose, bringing Dan into better focus. “Jenna swears her office in the anthropology wing is like a fallout bunker, nothing works in there.” 

“Oh it’s not, we just unplug the router she keeps in there from time to time to mess with her.” 

“Well at any rate, if you want to bring your laptop or something over here and work, that’s cool with me,” Phil said. “We have to get our grades submitted soon if we want our students to see them by tonight.” 

Dan just waved his hand. “Blah, blah, blah, they’ll get their grades when they get them. They’ll survive if they have to wait a few days.” 

“Not my students, they’d have a _fit_ if their grades weren’t posted the day they did an assignment. And then they’d complain to their mothers about it. I decided to teach at the university level to avoid crazy parents,” Phil said as he turned back to his computer. 

Dan laughed and shut the door, sprawling himself out on Phil’s couch. “It seems the parents get crazier every year. One parent emailed me asking me to have a conference with her about her son’s progress every week and I could barely stop laughing long enough to write the email back to her.” 

“Oh God, I don’t think I’d even dignify that email with a response, in all honesty. Your kid is in college, it’s time to cut the cord.” 

Dan and Phil sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes until someone else knocked on the door. “Doctor Phil, is your internet working?” Jenna asked when she poked her head in. “Oh, Dan’s here too! Just who I was looking for! Can you come fix my internet? IT can never figure out the problem, you’re always the only person who can fix it.”

“Sure, lead the way,” Dan said, heaving himself up from the couch. 

As he turned to shut Phil’s door behind him, he winked briefly at Phil with a conspiratorial smile on his face.

-

 _“I’m sorry Phil, I don’t think we’ll be able to come visit tomorrow. Sophie’s sick, there’s definitely something going around Cornell right now. Maybe we can take a rain check?”_ PJ’s voice relayed his disappointment a few days later. 

Phil nodded before he cleared his throat. “Yeah, okay, that’s fine. I think Harvard’s got a bug as well, half of my students were out sick today.” That was a total lie, all of the students who hadn’t dropped his classes were there during the day, but he didn’t want to make PJ feel worse than he clearly already felt. “Tell Sophie I say hi, okay? And that I hope she feels better.” 

The two of them exchanged quick goodbyes before PJ hung up the phone. Phil stood in his lounge for a moment, his eyes locked on the bottom corner of a poster. He would be alone again on his birthday, just like he was on Christmas, and just like his birthday last year. He was a grown man, it shouldn’t hurt this badly to spend time alone, should it? 

The next day, he realized that it _did_ hurt that badly, even if it shouldn’t. Phil tried to play video games or read, or do something to take his mind off it. By noon, it felt like he’d read every page of every book in his apartment, and played every level of every game on his shelf. It was freezing outside, but maybe the fresh air would clear his head. 

All around him, it seemed that everyone else were in groups; he passed by a young couple walking their dog together, a woman and her son carrying Whole Foods bags through the snow, cars passing by full of people. An entire city was alive around him, but he felt like he was the only person on earth. All the sound and noise sounded far away from him, dampened by the realization that he could make as many connections as he wanted, but at the end of the day, one thing remained: he was alone. He had been alone for five years now. 

It could’ve been seconds or hours when he arrived at the North End, busy now that it was seemingly late afternoon on a Saturday. He hadn’t meant to walk this far from home, but now that he was here, a pastry from Mike’s didn’t sound so bad. He’d barely eaten anything that day but he was an adult, and it was his birthday. 

The pastry shop was nearly boiling hot when he walked in, the warmth feeling better than he’d anticipated against his frozen hands. The wait was long, longer than usual, but the wait was worth it for how delicious the chocolate dipped cannolis Mike’s had been making fresh in house since the 40’s. The cannolis were gone by the time he reached the edge of the North End, and as he jammed his hands back into his pockets, he felt slightly better. The walk back to his apartment was almost pleasant, the sunset casting a somewhat pretty glow over the skyline of the city. 

When Phil got back to his apartment, there was something on the mat. He didn’t remember ordering anything recently, and the mail person had already come around for today. As he got closer, the object on the mat came into clearer view, and he realized that it was a black casserole dish with a card on the top of it. Phil gathered the dish in his hands so he wouldn’t step on it as he unlocked the door to his place. 

Once he got inside, he nearly teared up as he finally got a good look at the card. Dan’s handwriting was on the front, Phil’s name printed simply in purple ink. The card inside was goofy and made him smile, and the message Dan had written inside was simple:

_”Happy birthday Phil! Hope you like the shepherd's pie, it’s vegan. From, your philosophy professor, Dan.”_

**Author's Note:**

> drop me a line: starboydjh.tumblr.com
> 
> fuel my coffee addiction: ko-fi.com/hadley
> 
> playlist for this fic: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33HEktDhpMFfM0BYWYNxom?si=vZm7HW-WT_SyBT7Wzd4q_Q


End file.
